To Raise a Smile

Feeble really, but a little witty,
the joke that appeared on my mobile phone.
Can re-tell it, if you’re sitting pretty.
Think something’s afoot, ‘though at first unknown.

About person visiting a doctor.
Complained leg not functioning properly.
At the joints unusually suffer.
And they each seem to be speaking to me.

If listen at my thigh, it says “I’m poor”.
At my knee, seems to be saying “need cash”.
And at my ankle, “got nothing”, I’m sure.
Doctor listened, then said “not being rash,

but I think it one of those rare cases
where leg saying it’s broke in three places.

Another joke this then, from my new source.
Appearing unexpected on my phone.
I am going to tell it now, of course.
Reconstructed by me in this poem.

Attending an old school reunion,
a man and his wife took a look around
at who was there, and the man soon began
to stare intently, as if sight astound,

at woman who was getting very drunk.
In response, his wife asked, “do you know her?”
Husband replied, as if in his past sunk.
“It’s my ex who is sitting over there.”

“We divorced years ago.” Wife did respond,
“Amazed she can celebrate for so long.”

Someone outside precariously perched
on a ledge, about 12 feet above ground.
That, the concept behind my dream at first.
Others, then, begin to gather around.

Including those who can access the edge.
One goes out and grips hold of the first one.
That means that two, now, are stuck on the ledge.
Another scrambles to. One, three’s become.

Then, there’s 4,5 and 6, all holding on.
All close together, trying not to fall.
Like those acrobats who do it for fun.
A wrong move, collapse and come-down. Awful.

One left clinging by fingers, in distress.
But dream revised. Down on ground, a mattress.

This one about the cricket fanatic,
watching test match as his wife giving birth.
Second wicket fell, somewhat dramatic,
just before break in play, in which immersed.

He remembered his wife’s situation,
and thought it time he phoned the hospital.
But in a faulty brain aberration,
cricket hotline the number that he called.

Meaning his wife, he asked ‘the state of play?”
The response was almost automatic.
“Two are out” the replying voice did say.
But then, “eight more to go”, quite emphatic.

Before the shock, or he could rue his luck,
the voice continued, “the last one, a duck”.

Okay, mildly funny this one I’ve read
relating to a high profile court case.
A bank robbery, the defendant said
to have been a party too. Now he faced

prison sentence if a guilty verdict.
The jury considered the evidence.
Took their time, so not know what to expect,
those waiting in court. Guilt or innocence?

Judge and Jury returned, and foreman asked”
“have you reached a verdict?” “Yes, m’lud”said.
Before announced, note to the judge was passed.
“What is it?” after, with a straight-face, read.

“Not Guilty!” Court erupted. But confused,
acquitted, “this mean the cash I can use?”

The Mayor declared a major incident.
That is, Sadiq Khan, the Mayor of London.
Felt special measures have to implement,
due to Covid Omicron abundant.

But, if relied on the text on the screen
beneath the verbal news presentation,
would be confused about what it did mean,
as error-strewn was the information.

The Mayor’s Pakistani name, Sadiq Khan,
the transcribing machine could not cope with.
Replaced, obscurely, with ‘American’.
For the reader that uninformative.

Then it changed “encouraging mask wearing”
to, daft, “encouraging masquerading”.

I don’t know if I have recorded this,
my dog walker’s joke, a little silly.
Rather tell it again, than it be missed.
Although telling, takes some temerity.

On his lead whilst walking out, bizarrely,
not a dog at all, but a broccoli.
When he was asked, “why that?” quite sensibly,
reply was, “I thought it was a collie”.

New one now about a talking sheepdog.
Told farmer, “I’ve put 40 in the pen”.
“But I only have 39 sheep, dog”,
said shepherd, “may have to count them again”.

“No need”, said the canine, “my count’s enough”.
“It is just what I do. I rounded-up”.

My West Ham joke. An oldie updated.
Football team playing the league champions.
Four Nil down, they are pretty deflated.
Substitute a youngster. Give him his chance.

Syrian boy. Refugee from the war.
In the last ten minutes he’s on, scores five.
Teammates insist must celebrate, for sure.
He says, “must phone Mum first; see she’s alive”.

Over a crackly line, gets through to her.
Says, “Mum I scored goals and I’m a hero”.
“Alright for you, but we’ve had to endure
being shot at, abused. Not safe, you know.

Your Dad’s been robbed. Brother stabbed. Sister raped.
Down to you, in West Ham in the first place”.

Seeking entrance to the Olympic Games,
for which there’s very restricted entry,
three building workers contrive, with disdain
for rules, to get in, complimentary.

They access their works stores for assistance,
and each takes an item to utilise
to get them passed officials’ resistance.
With ingenuity, they improvise.

The first, carrying a manhole cover,
says “discus” and is let in. The second,
with length of scaffolding, tries another.
Says “javelin”. He can also attend.

Third, with roll of barbed wire, to be let in
says to the gate security, “fencing”.

A young couple moved into their first home,
together. They thought the front room shabby.
Wife said to man, “while you are here alone,
and I am working earning our money,

you get some tins of paint and decorate”.
“But I have never done any painting”.
“It’s easy”, she explained, “don’t hesitate.
Dip brush in tin, then to wall with the thing”.

With that she left for work; and when returned
found the job done. The room had been painted.
It had been hard work, her partner confirmed,
dressed in overcoat and mac, both tainted.

She asked, “why did you wear those?” “On tins’ notes
it said for best result put on two coats”.